thank goodness nothing in the world is constant.

piled higher and deeper. that's what everyone calls the phd. abd, phd...all of these stupid letters seem so important. but, are they really? perhaps to some of us. but, the phd should not be so goddamn stressful! i have had an incredibly rough 28 months of coursework that has left me feeling overwhelmed beyond belief. this past term, maintain four classes and four part-time just was hellish, to say the least. this degree has taken a significant toll on almost all areas of my life. it has affected my relationships, my ability, and myself. i went to work many morning without brushing my hair--just tossing it up with a hair tie. on that note, yesterday was the first time i cut my hair since june 2011--that, i now realize, was two months before i started this thing. "i have no time" has been my excuse for everything. and maybe, i really didn't have time. having to work while being a full time phd is never easy. trying to maintain a relationship and social life is even more difficult. at this juncture, i am done being stressed and constantly busy. i am starting a new job next week. i have 3 or 4 other ones i currently work. i love one of them dearly, but i think it might be time to quit some of them. i work in academia--predominately tutoring. the problem here is that after 8 hours of helping other people with their work, the last thing i want to do is my own work! fortunately, i just have the quals and dissertation prep this term. and prep doesn't start until after the exams. so, one class. and everything will finally be streamlined toward my dissertation. that is such a relief. at one point this past term, i was reading about genocide in rwanada, conflicts with native americans, an inhumane coal mining company in colombia, and a dispute in the south china sea. i was everywhere. both figuratively and literally. it was fucking hell. I AM DONE WITH STRESS. i hate who i have become. constantly doting on papers and grades--failing to stop and smell the fucking flowers. i spent 10+ hours on my laptop most days. DONE. at one point, i had over 60 tabs open in several windows, over a dozen word documents, several powerpoints, and countless pdfs. all open at the same time. and i probably kept my laptop on hibernate for two months. DONE. the state of my laptop is a reflection of the state of my mind. it is also a reflection of the state of my apartment (i.e. not cleaning up). even when i am not on my laptop, i am thinking about papers. DONE. at a bar, i can't enjoy myself and don't feel like talking to people because my next project is on my mind. DONE. i can't live that way anymore. it is time to unpile that higher, deeper stress. if i am going to get through this dissertation alive without pushing away everyone who loves me, shit has to change. NOW. my new job starts in a week and a day. my quals are in 23 days. i am going to use the next couple of days to develop a plan of action. a plan to unpile the stress before it piles me up. nothing in the world is constant. therefore, this stress shall no longer be a constant in my life. i will report on the success of my unpiling process.